Posted by: Raws | January 12, 2011

Secrets to Tell

Today I’ve decided to respond to the topic posed by the DailyPost.  It feels weird for me to blog about a previous day’s topic. Not only that but another topic suggestion got posted!  But I don’t feel like typing about what I’d do if I had an hour to live. The post would end up either too long or really short. So I’m sticking to the first topic, which is to tell a secret. But what secret should I tell?

I’m really not sure because on my blog I’m really open about things but with my family I’ve been really closed.  Atl and Casey know more about the current me than my family but my family knows more of my past self. Digging up something I haven’t told anyone of these groups is rather difficult. So I’m going to break it down.

One thing I haven’t told my family is that I aspire to write novels.  I only just realized this myself and I’ve struggled with how I could go about telling them.  To them this probably is coming ‘out of the blue’. I have a degree in Computer Engineering so they’d think that’s what I’d get a job doing.  But that kind of work leaves me drained and unable to be creative.

Ever since elementary school I’ve escaped into my worlds and those of others.  I don’t want to forget my characters or give up creating their stories. I want to write them down before I forget.  One of these days this year I’ll start typing about them in this blog.  I’m just starting to get up the courage to share them with everyone and I don’t want to break my stride.

I don’t think I’ve mentioned on this blog how much I fear disapproval and how I hate condescension.  I can deal with these things from strangers and people I don’t respect but when someone I love is like that I’ll either get really pissed off, super crying upset, or both.

2009 and 2010 were not good years for me.  They were filled with stress and despair, but I learned a lot about myself.  The hell I went through last summer really pushed me over the edge and I found my anger again.  It had laid asleep for a while, but now whenever I need it I can just think of that time in August.

I haven’t really shared with others about that time.  I watched as someone else did the things I wanted to do and others get praised for things I would’ve done too. If only I had been given the chance. By the end I hated people with a passion but not to their faces. Especially those that screwed me over.

The whole experience destroyed my confidence in people. Like Dr. House says “Everybody lies”. It just hurts more when it’s from someone you know. At least I got paid for my trouble. I may even be over dramatizing the whole sordid affair.  It didn’t help that I was away from the person I love and depression didn’t either. I’m finally getting over it.

That’s my rant for the day. I shared two things I haven’t discussed before. It feels good to get them out.  They may not have been completely secret but they are things I’ve kept from others.  So until tomorrow.



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